well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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