She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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