Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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