first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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