you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
