I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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