its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
