I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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