Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
