I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Btw I puked in your glovebox
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
