What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
