I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
