Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
