why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
