How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
