After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
