Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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