I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it because I queefed?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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