I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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