I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
