Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
