I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Duck Duck Cougar?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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