Apparently you make a good broom.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
