you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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