I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
