I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
