I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
