someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
