That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
