I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
