And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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