he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
