I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
