I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
