he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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