she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
