my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
