If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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