awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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