absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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