I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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