I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
