There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
