wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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