We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
