He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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