we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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