He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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