so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
