I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
